Who am I? Am I Enough?
In my leadership development and coaching work this year it’s struck me how many people are penetrated by the worm of self-doubt. This worm is no respecter of gender or industry. It manifests in people of both sexes and in diverse professional roles. In my observation women may be more expressive of their self-doubt, but neither are men immune to crises of confidence.
We rise to the challenge of a new job, a special project or a promotion, in a wave of simultaneous pride, pleasure and anxiety. Will I be good enough? Do I really have what it takes? Am I a fake hiding behind the mask of this role? Will I be discovered as an imposter? As one senior executive put it “I don’t have just one inner critic, I have a whole continent of them!”
Many people have asked me how to deal with the negativity of their inner village. It’s prompted me to reflect on what forges our strong relationship with our inner critic and how we learn to use it without it disabling us. This is the first in a five part blog series about how we harness purpose, authenticity and mindfulness to build our confidence and our resilience.
First, tell your story.
Who are you? How do you see and engage with the world? What’s your thumbprint?
Story telling is a skill that differentiates us from other mammals. It is the way we make meaning and engage others and yes, your most vital narrative is the story of yourself. To shape your story, focus on your strengths and potential - the things that make you uniquely you. These are a product of the family and culture that bore you, your professional heritage, your character and preferences, the things you hold dear and the purpose you are working towards. We are often very alive to our weaknesses or, as Tim Gallwey coins it in The Inner Game, the ‘interference’ that detracts from our potential. These interferences can subsume our vision and feed our inner critic. Answering the questions in italics above requires some level of conscious appreciative inquiry (Cooperrider) directed at oneself.
Second, articulate your purpose.
Why are you here? What gives you meaning?
Seligman highlights meaning and purpose as one of three critical ingredients for a fulfilling life.
This piece transcends day to day tasks and business achievements and goes to what you hope and strive for at a higher level. Knowing it and repeating it to yourself and others gives rein to your visionary self. When your inner critics rages, and you’re at risk of losing focus and confidence, your sense of purpose is the compass that helps you find your way again - swing back to your inner north.
I work with leaders to help them articulate their purpose and the narrative around who they are, what they hope for, the leadership character and value they bring, now and in the future. Once we have realised our purpose and value add, reiterating it to ourselves in moments of self-doubt is a self-steadying strategy. It turns down (if not off) the voice of our inner critic. Without a clear self-narrative and purpose, we can find ourselves preoccupied with the rules and the status quo, being who others want us to be, a ‘pleaser’.
In his work on Stages of Adult Development, Robert Kegan identifies the light and dark side of the socialised stage where affirmation is ‘outside in’. Our self worth is dependent on others’ good opinion and hence we are very attuned to the voice of our inner critic and the negative feedback of others. He explores the value of ‘self-authoring’, where we express why we’re here and what we bring to the world. Self-authoring generates a sense of self worth and affirmation that is ‘inside out’. Of course if we go to the dark side of self-authoring, we become so consumed with ourselves that we ignore the needs of others and our impact on them.
As a final thought, the voice of our inner critic has an upside. It is an antidote to arrogance and can also be a trigger to personal growth. However we need to hear it lightly - not let it dominate our narrative and our consciousness.
Here are some of my strategies to help you live with your inner critic, and still be your authentic self, true to your narrative and purpose.
Be mindful of and manage your own inner state. For competent adults, when we become aware of something it becomes object, (rather than we being subject to it). We then have a choice about how we deal with it. When your inner critic starts to voice, consciously rebut it by questioning the truth and the value of what it’s saying. This inner debate is helpful because it activates your prefrontal cortex - the cognitive function of your brain - and calms the limbic flare of anxiety
Tune into your purpose and authentic self. Remind yourself of your story and where you’re heading and use this as your inner north - a means to find your way again and turn down the inner critic.
Mark your experience and progress. Bookmark in your consciousness the things you’re grateful for, achievements against your purpose and the times you were your best self. Celebrate these - e.g. It was a great day for...
Self steady using one of the following strategies:
Have a personal word or mantra – To help you rise when you’re spiralling into self doubt and the socialised stage. My word is ‘lift’.
Look for a Dopamine Hit – Time with nature or those you love and who love you back! A conversation and trip to the dog park with Oakley helps calm my inner critic.
Stand back and exercise perspective – If I’m ever feeling rattled, I like to remind myself that it’s not about me, but about the other. I ‘flip it’ and think, what does this person need and what can I give in this situation?
Corral a few moments for yourself – Close your eyes. Use a simple breathing technique. Reset. My friend Irene Booth at IECL taught the A B C D technique:
Anatomy: Sit in a chair and focus on your body - weight of head on your neck, line of your shoulders, hands resting in your lap...
Breathing: Take a deep breath through your nostrils, feel the air go to your lungs and your diaphragm inflating, breathe out though your mouth, and again...
Contact: Feel where your body touches the chair – elbows on the arms, bottom, backs of legs and calves, feel your soles of feet on floor...
Distraction – start to notice the noises around you, in the room and outside and slowly bring your attention back to the outer environment and the present...
Love to hear others suggestions on this.
For those interested in Kegan’s and Gallwey's work I recommend the following texts:
Kegan, Robert; Lahey, Lisa Laskow; Miller, Matthew L.; Fleming, Andy; Helsing, Deborah (2016). An everyone culture: becoming a deliberately developmental organization. Boston: Harvard Business Review Press.
Kegan, Robert; Lahey, Lisa Laskow (2009). Immunity to change: how to overcome it and unlock potential in yourself and your organization. Boston: Harvard Business Press.
Gallwey, W. Timothy. (2000). The Inner Game of Work. New York: Random House.